2020. What can I say? I mean honestly what IS there to say? Lol. I feel like there’s a general consensus that this was definitely a year for the books. As much as I want to dwell on all of the negative things that has happened over the course of this year, it would be an injustice to leave out that there was some good.
Let’s start from the beginning. Just like you, I ended 2019 with a list of things I wanted to leave behind. I committed this list to memory and I felt that I had decided to walk away from the things and people that I knew were hindering me from moving forward. I rehearsed this list in my mind and had given it to God in prayer. I was pumped and ready for whatever was to come. I made the decision in my mind that I would leave these things behind, but not in my heart.
So fast forward to January 1, 2020. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. It’s literally like all hell had broken loose. I was irritable, cranky, having negative thoughts, feeling sad, depressed, oppressed, you name it. I couldn’t pinpoint where these feelings were coming from especially after I had “changed my life”. I mean that’s what I did right? I made a list in my mind, prayed about it and went on about my day. That’s all I needed to do right?
Wrong. Making New Year’s resolutions wasn’t the problem. It was the fact that instead of DEALING with the problems/issues and pains that I was trying to leave behind, I ignorantly tried to sweep them under the rug instead of bringing them to the light. That’s what we do when we fail to talk about things that bother us. We tend to hold on to the hurtful things that people say or do that they never take accountability for; the words that we ourselves have uttered that we knew weren’t right; harboring unforgiveness and bitterness towards things and people that have scarred us so deep that we need a bulldozer to dig it up. You can’t effectively heal from the past by “letting the past be the past”. You can change your mindset all day long, but if your heart isn’t changed, the same obstacles and trials will continue to come just to show you that those same feelings, emotions and behaviors are still there and in fact, you haven’t “changed” at all.
When you haven’t had a heart change, it doesn’t take much for the “old” you to come out. Ask me how I know. Throughout the year, those same feelings, attitudes and behaviors that I vowed to leave behind, resurfaced. It’s literally like having a war in your mind. One side is telling you to put on a front that everything is fine, but the other side is saying, address it, talk it over, bring it to light. I struggled between the two for fear that I would be “too sensitive” or “in my feelings”. I allowed other’s to dictate how I should feel and whether or not my feelings were valid. I will NEVER allow anyone the power to make me feel that my feelings and emotions are irrelevant and neither should you.
I suffered in silence for so long. To be honest, I’ve had many sleepless nights, many nights of crying out to God in prayer, seeking advice from other sisters in the faith and just plain walking in misery. This is not God’s will! It takes an emotionally mature person to realize that just because you have a difference of opinion, doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t take another persons feelings into consideration. Everyone is not there yet and it took me a long time to comprehend this. Don’t spend time wrestling with a person who’s intent on walking in pride, is not teachable, easily influenced by the opinion of others and who blatantly wants to have this mindset. Only God can change the heart of man and the best thing to do is to distance yourself and pray for them from afar so that your heart will not be hardened.
When someone truly loves you, what matters to you, should matter to them. I pray for God to surround us all with people that are intentional on being compassionate. loving and willing to show more grace, while we are the same in return. ♥
Intimately,
Yaz
Intimacy Inc. 